All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
You Might Also Like
When I said I liked it rough.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein