@Underchilde: All life is precious. Unless you’re an accountant, then you welcome sweet death.
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@david8hughes: Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father Luke: really? Darth Vader: yeah. Why? Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
@vikkaroni: If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
@TheMichaelRock: God: One last thing before I let you in. Let's look at your Google search history. Me: I'll show myself out.
@MartaEffing: Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart.