@Underchilde: All life is precious. Unless you’re an accountant, then you welcome sweet death.
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@: FRIEND: what's new? ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company FRIEND: hertz? ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
@AverageClo: Why do people say "To be frank..." when they're about to be brutally honest? WHAT IF FRANK LIED!? WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?
@VerifiedDrunk: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you're gay....
@KeetPotato: cop: "can you point at which zebra it was" zebra: "ha good luck we all look the same" me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] "that one"