@totallyinatiff: All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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@nbadag: WIFE: can you preheat the oven? ME: you mean heat it WIFE: not this again ME: it can't be heated before it's heated. don't give me that look
@DavidKlein5: People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
@TheRobCee: [furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk] "Don't you wish there was an easier way?" [cut to carton of butter milk]
@UncleDuke1969: Me: What are my choices again? Pollster: Donald Trump… Me: Or? Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby. Me: … Pollster: Well? Me: I’m thinking.