All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.