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@sweet_toof: "All lower case?" -your mom getting an email address
@jimmyfallon: My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
@Lerky: "HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?"
@Jenny4ashley: My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn't even introduced himself to me yet.
@vonTraphaus: Dance like you're not the father
@ABurgerADay: [tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.