Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.