ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.