all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
And that about sums it up.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again