all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4