All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
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Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
me logging onto twitter
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Fixed this for Shakespeare
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.