All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
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Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love