@adamlucidi: All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I'm single. As far as I'm concerned, I've won.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@GensPlace: Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' That was nice...
@Reverend_Scott: Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP. Me: I can't, my dog fell asleep on my lap. Cops: AWWWW. OK WE'LL COME BACK LATER.
@DanMentos: "So you met the victim on tinder" Yes "Do you often meet women on tinder"? Yeah I've been murdering it on there *lawyer puts head in hands*