@BigBagOfScum: All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.
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@E_lok44: If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right? Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
@hardlyrelevant: [I time travel to 1998] Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
@vvolfsz: The nominees are Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio And the winner is *opens envelope* mad max fury road
@kenwhacksit: I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!