[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”