All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
You Might Also Like
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
How I like cutting carbs
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.