All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
.. do you even science?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.