A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
john wicks are toilet candles
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?