no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers