this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay