All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]