@OhNoSheTwitnt: All of Ariel's mer-sisters' names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
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@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
@MomofTeen: Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a "leaf herder" and realize I need to get out more often.
@KyleMcDowell86: "Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job" [Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer's hand clean off]
@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"