All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
You Might Also Like
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?