All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
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[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Cinematography is my passion
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
smartest karate player in the world
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I hate when that happens.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.