All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
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Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.