All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
this is literally a CIA plant
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”