Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home