Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
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grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
New tinder profile pic
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.