@SomeChrisTweets: All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there's me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
@TheCatWhisprer: If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can't hear.
@GeorgeTakei: So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
@Jenny4ashley: Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.