All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I used to be married, but I’m better now
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]