All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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Happy birthday to all the women
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Lmbo
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.