@SomeChrisTweets: All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there's me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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@yassinovic89: Gf: am I pretty or ugly? Bf: you're both hun :) Gf: what do you mean both? Bf: you're pretty ugly.
@boring_as_heck: SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert JESUS: Oh yeah I can't wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy
@panmidwest: Friend: you should come over tonight. we're watching 'How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what? Friend: