[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
remember
only for emergencies
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My birthstone is kidney
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”