All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Writing, She Murdered.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”