All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.