All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.