@SortaBad: All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don't drink tequila anymore.
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@thejessbess: I always wear running shoes while driving because you won't know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
@TheCatWhisprer: [pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.