All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Can Happiness buy money?
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I just tested negative for patience.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.