All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Quadruple digit IQ
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me: