I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.