i did the math
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
get you a girl who
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.