@ericonederful: All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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@dubstep4dads: [first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, im not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd
@ericsshadow: My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.