@ericonederful: All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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@ipalatsky: An old Russian wisdom: Tell me who your friends are, And I'll tell you what you'll be charged with.
@thenatewolf: DEBATE CAPTAIN: You're off the debate team ME: No I'm not DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
@AbbieEvansXO: Hostage: [screaming] Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth! Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: Where are the kids? Me *turns off router* [from down the hallway] HEYYYYYYY!!!! Me: They're in their rooms.