All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Basketball
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Sunday
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.