@ericonederful: All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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@KateWhineHall: 7yo: You count to 20 and I'll hide. Me: Ok. [Starts counting.] [Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
@runolgarun: *TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "Yeah, well your dog isn't a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you're vaccinated" - how a kid talks shit in 2015