@ericonederful: All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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@DanMentos: ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
@LaziestCanine: [sprains my ankle] Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it? Me: Let me check Me: [to ankle] c'mon dude try it, it's only one cigarette
@realHamOnWry: After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.