All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Cool shirt 🙂
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.