@iinkedZombie: All of these people are screaming like they've never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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@KentWGraham: ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Never judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.
@GetCougarized: I bought a laser pointer, but I don't have a cat. So I 'borrowed' my neighbor's toddler, but he doesn't seem to get it. Babies are stupid.
@Mostly_Cheese: *arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36* Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.