@iinkedZombie: All of these people are screaming like they've never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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@novicefather: I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days. My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.
@TheHyyyype: [driving] WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there? ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
@haleysfalling: cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov
@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."