@iinkedZombie: All of these people are screaming like they've never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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@DaddyJew: If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
@QueenofSparta: Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody's watching us? Him: No NSA agent: No
@jonnysun: [puts cone of shame on dog] ME: (to dog) sory buddy DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
@3sunzzz: M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am. H: You're a stay-at-home mom. M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.