All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
*jazz hands*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.