All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.