All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Not😆🤣
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
britain’s three elite institutions
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part