Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.