@RaynaTheGreat: All of your inspirational tweets make me want to track you down and pee on something you love.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: My book was translated for the UK. Wife: They speak English. Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed "stroller" to "buggy"* Sort of.
@_sinistroll: WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey
@loribuckmajor: Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.