@conanobrienswyf: All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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@steveolivas: Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today. She laughed and laughed. Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
@DanMentos: me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god
@Tw1tter_K1tten: They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
@iliezabeth: [suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight K: Its chips & salsa M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*