All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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