You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
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Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder