all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”