all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”