All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I mean…but I did
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time