All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
#oldknees
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”