All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing