All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?